I find myself reflecting on the phrase “practicing the pain,” and it feels as if I’ve been caught in this cycle for the last few weeks—perhaps even months – since learning of my ex remarrying. Although I fully acknowledge that dwelling on the past is detrimental to my mental and emotional well-being, I still find myself trapped in this habit. Despite having tools and strategies to counteract these moments of reflection, I continue to struggle against the pull of old memories. I genuinely cherish my present life; I’ve worked so hard on my healing journey, yet I can’t shake the bittersweet recollections of happier times – or rather happier times that should have been. I often catch myself wondering how just a small amount of interest and affection from my ex-husband might have salvaged our marriage. The pain is amplified by the knowledge that he has “moved on” and remarried, seemingly without putting up a fight for what we had. He left without so much as a farewell, placing the blame solely on me, and these unresolved feelings are burdens I cannot change.
This brings me to a critical realization: I must push myself to look forward and not dwell in the shadows of the past. Yet, this feels like a recurring struggle in my life. I understand that the trauma I experienced in both my childhood and my marriage has lengthened my healing process, perhaps more than I anticipated. Still, I have made significant strides, and I am determined not to revert to my old ways. The question looms large: what proactive measures can I adopt to continue this forward momentum?
Today, amidst my struggles, I felt a divine reminder that God has wonderful plans ahead for me, plans that are worth embracing and anticipating. Just the thought of this promise has been a light in my day, providing a sense of hope. I remember the scripture, “Walk by faith, not by sight,” found in 2 Corinthians 5:7. When I focus solely on what is visible and tangible, I am often met with disappointment. I grapple with the reality that my ex made solemn vows to love, honor, and cherish another woman, and my heart aches knowing my two daughters witnessed this transition. It pains me to think that they must navigate the awkwardness of splitting their time between me and their father during their visits to Minnesota; it’s a situation that should never have been theirs to manage.
As I sift through these emotions, I confront my own shortcomings. I feel disappointment in myself for the significant mistakes I made in my marriage, for allowing feelings of jealousy and resentment toward my ex, believing he doesn’t deserve my daughters’ love. I am equally disheartened by my struggle to fully trust God to guide me through these complex feelings. My journey is ongoing, but I know I must keep striving toward healing and growth, for myself and for my children. I must rest in His plan for my life.
In the March 12 devotion of Jesus Calling it reads: “Waiting, trusting and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand because it is the response from My children that I desire the most. Waiting and hoping to embelish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words “I trust You” while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present. Because you are Mine, you don’t just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust. Keep your “antennae” out to pick up even the faintest glimmer of My Presence.”
That is good news! And I will do just that.
Some other practical tips I gathered from PsychCentral for learning to live in the present are:
- Establish boundaries. This can mean something different for everyone, but the main point is to give yourself time to heal and to move ahead at your own pace. For many, establishing boundaries may include being more selective on who we welcome into our lives and who we dismiss. With boundaries, consistency is key in helping let go of the past and living in the present.
- Acceptance. The past is a done-deal. We can’t change it. And being stuck in the past is only hurting our potential in the present. By accepting that the past is over, it allows us to grieve and to release the pain that we may have been carrying with us. Be honest with yourself in your acceptance and take the time you need to grieve.
- Practice Mindfulness. The practice of mindfulness is about teaching ourselves how to stay in the present and to calm our mind when experiencing emotional triggers. Research supports the use of mindfulness as part of a comprehensive program in healing from trauma, depression or PTSD.
- Have a Reset Button. We are human, and that means we are perfectly imperfect. As with any new skill, they take time to develop and master. Be kind with yourself if you slip up or find yourself reliving the past or reverting back to old behavior patterns. Use the reset button to help you gauge where you are in your personal development.
- Disconnect. Balance is key when working on self-improvement. Being okay with disconnecting from social media or from friends or family for a while as you work on healing is about self-care. When we are alone, we are able to get to know ourselves and give ourselves the attention and love we need to stop living in the past.
I refuse to let the shadows of my past hold me captive any longer. I recognize that dwelling on those moments stifles my growth and prevents me from flourishing into the person I believe God envisions for me. This setback—a mere bump in the road—will not deter me from my path to recovery. With unwavering determination and the loving guidance of God guiding my steps, I will forge ahead, embracing the journey toward healing and self-discovery.
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