Gray Divorce

Have you heard the term “gray divorce”? It refers to divorces that occur later in life, typically involving individuals at least in their fifties and often over sixty-five after a long-term marriage. Older women face many of the same challenges as their younger counterparts but encounter additional and sometimes unexpected hurdles. The numbers are staggering – divorces among couples over 50 have skyrocketed from just 8.7% in 1990 to an astounding 36% in 2019. Gray divorce has become far less uncommon.

There were several complicated elements that contributed to the collapse of my marriage. By sharing my experiences I hope to illuminate the often-misunderstood journey of gray divorce. I want to reassure you that, although navigating through divorce recovery can be an arduous and emotionally taxing process, you are not alone in your feelings of loneliness and grief. Many people have walked this path before and emerged on the other side. If you make your healing a priority and commit to your personal recovery, you will discover the capacity for joy and fulfillment once again.

In the early years of our marriage, I had a rewarding career as an administrative professional at a prestigious private wealth management firm that ended up spanning 15 years. This role enabled me to build deep and meaningful relationships with my clients, who relied on us for a variety of services. We skillfully managed their investments, ensured their monthly bills were paid on time, and handled financial details with the utmost care. Additionally, we facilitated their charitable contributions and organized family gifts, creating a seamless experience for them.

Over the years, our professional relationships developed into genuine friendships. We explored each client’s unique life stories, celebrating their successes and tackling challenges together. The bond we formed often went beyond a typical business relationship, turning our interactions into heartfelt exchanges that enriched both their lives and mine.

One couple, in particular, stands out in my memory. They were a charming older pair with four grown children and a lively group of grandchildren. Their elegance was matched only by their down-to-earth nature and sense of humor. Every Christmas, we looked forward to celebrating together at a beautiful downtown restaurant adorned with twinkling lights and festive decorations. Our annual Christmas lunch was a joyful gathering filled with rich laughter, delicious food, thoughtful gifts, and toasts over cocktails. I can still hear the gentleman’s jovial voice saying, “Whatever you do, don’t work on my accounts when you get back to the office!” They were among my favorite clients, embodying warmth and kindness.

One year, the wife was absent from our festive lunch, which cast a shadow over the celebration. Shortly afterward, I was devastated to learn that they were getting a divorce, a revelation that shook me to my core. They had always seemed so happy together, a couple whose love appeared unshakable after decades of marriage. When I shared this news with my husband later that evening, I was overwhelmed with emotion, tears streaming down my face as we lay in bed together. I recounted the painful story and expressed my fear about the profound heartbreak such a separation would bring. He wrapped his arms around me, assuring me that it would never happen to us. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of love and security as I nestled into him.

By 2018, I realized that my past admiration had transformed into a painful reflection of a relationship that I once held in high regard, but which ultimately fell apart. The promise he made that we would never divorce had somehow been forgotten. The harsh reality hit me like a sudden storm, filling me with a deep sense of loss and devastation. My once-vibrant dreams began to fade, leaving behind an aching emptiness that resonated deeply within me, reminiscent of the lives of those I had once idolized, now mere shadows of their former selves.

We ended our 28-year marriage in 2018, an event born from a long and tumultuous struggle that consumed the final eight years of our relationship. At the time of our separation, we were both 52 years old, each carrying the weight of a shared history that spanned 36 years—a significant chapter in our lives, representing more than half of our existence. The divorce was not merely a legal procedure; it felt like the shattering of my world, as if the very foundation of my life had crumbled beneath me. I was left with an overwhelming sense of grief and loss, my heart heavy with memories of what once was, and haunted by the echoes of our shared dreams that would never come to fruition.

I would often find myself asking, “Why?” I have always believed that our vows were meant for life. I fully intended to grow old with this man. I tried everything to make our marriage work. I had been praying for years over our relationship. We attended marriage counseling and joined the marriage ministry at our church. My women’s Bible study group had prayed for my husband and me for over ten years. I supported his career, encouraging him to pursue all career options even when he felt he lacked the education or felt under-qualified. I stood by him during his struggles with alcoholism, including when he lost his driver’s license due to a DUI. I drove him to and from work every day, as well as to his AA meetings and other recovery groups. I truly loved this man and wanted more than anything to stay in our marriage.

We had never sat down to talk about our divorce, so when he made the decision to leave in secret for his latest “other woman,” it felt like a gut punch. He didn’t even bother to say “goodbye.” Instead, he took a day off work to quietly pack up his things and move out while I was away, completely unaware of his plans. At that point, his presence in our lives had dwindled so much that I didn’t even notice he was gone until two weeks later, when the silence in our home became undeniable. Following his departure, he began to ghost me completely, disappearing from my life for years during and after the divorce. I found myself stranded, with no means to reach out to him, left to face a tumultuous sea of emotions all alone.

What I didn’t know was that he was entangled in a darker phase of his life—wrestling with severe alcoholism again. His new partner remained blissfully unaware that he was an alcoholic, allowing him to indulge in his drinking without restraint. Throughout our years together, he had expertly concealed his struggles, hiding his addiction from me and our daughters.

I will never forget the moment my youngest daughter was shocked to learn that her dad was an alcoholic. She had never seen him drink alcohol and she was 17 years old. It was an incredibly confusing time for her. Her father, who had barely paid her any attention for the last eight years, suddenly wanted her to come live with him and his new love interest. My daughter had craved his attention for so long and was eager to accept his offer, unaware of the potential pain it could cause her. I grieved for her, knowing it would only be a matter of time before he would break her heart. I grieved for me, missing her so much. She had a place in my (our) home and would go back and forth. She eventually moved all of her things back to my (our) home and would go visit her dad from time to time but she ultimately felt he had moved on and now had very little time for her.

According to Gray Divorce – Why more couples over 50 are getting divorced by RollingOut, “Ending a decades-long marriage brings special challenges. Unlike younger couples who might have been together for a few years, these pairs often share a lifetime of memories, mutual friends, and family traditions. The emotional impact can be similar to losing a spouse to death, experts say.”  

Without insulting anyone who has experienced the death of a spouse, I can hardly find the words to convey how frequently I felt as if my ex-husband had died. I mourned him as though he had passed away because, in a way, he had. By the time our marriage came to an end, he had transformed into a stranger, a far cry from the man I once married. The damage inflicted over the years of our relationship was profound. Throughout our union, he engaged in multiple affairs and acted on numerous indiscretions, which shattered my trust. Early in our relationship, he struggled with an addiction to pornography, a struggle that laid the groundwork for more significant issues that followed.

His obsession with gaming took over his life, capturing his attention far more than our daughters or I ever could. It was as if the glow of his gaming consoles eclipsed the warmth of our family. To compound the situation, he battled alcoholism on and off, with brief stints of sobriety that never seemed to last. By the conclusion of our marriage, I watched him spiral deeper into his addiction, refusing to confront the demons that haunted him.

Marriage can be challenging, and achieving success requires both partners to be committed to their relationship and genuinely invested in making it last. Therefore, it’s not surprising that a lack of commitment can lead to serious issues for a couple. According to Forbes, 75% of individuals and couples reported that a lack of commitment was the primary reason for their divorce, making it the most common cause for the end of a marriage, even surpassing infidelity.

This statement of commitment resonates deeply with me, echoing my own experiences within my marriage. From the very beginning, I felt a profound devotion to our relationship that my ex-husband seemed unable to reciprocate. I tirelessly advocated for marriage counseling, support groups, and cherished activities like date nights and family outings. While I poured my heart and energy into nurturing our connection, he often appeared indifferent, merely going along with my efforts without genuinely engaging in them.

I vividly recall one particularly revealing counseling session when our therapist asked me to step out of the room after he explained that he needed to work with my ex-husband alone for a time before we could resume our joint sessions. With a thoughtful expression, he shared an analogy that has stayed with me: he compared a marriage to a plant that relies on water to thrive. He emphasized that, just as a gardener cannot ignore a plant’s needs and expect it to flourish, a marriage requires consistent love and attention to grow. My ex-husband never returned to counseling after that session.

At that point in our lives, my ex-husband had been overlooking my emotional needs for years, leaving me feeling increasingly isolated. He had emotionally “checked out,” which transformed my role into that of a single parent within a stagnant and loveless marriage. I had become the dead plant. From the outset of our relationship, he often deferred decision-making to me, a pattern that left me carrying the weight of our responsibilities alone. His reluctance to express his own opinions led to misunderstandings, and ultimately, I bore the label of being “controlling.” I found myself trapped in a frustrating cycle where my efforts to connect only seemed to exacerbate our struggles, making it feel as though nothing I did would ever change our circumstances.

I was engulfed in a profound sense of grief, my emotions swirling into a fury deeper than I had ever experienced. Each day felt like a struggle. When I looked into the mirror, all I could see was the reflection of a woman engulfed in pain, a stark reminder of my shattered dreams. The persistent feeling of neglect weighed heavily on my heart, transforming my sadness into a seething anger that left me feeling completely wretched. My daughters, witnessing the turmoil, were enduring their own pain, and it shattered me to see them exposed to the crumbling facade of our unhappy marriage. Each day felt like a silent battle, and the burden of our fractured family cast a long shadow over all of us.

My anger raged, overwhelming and consuming—an intensity I had never known before. I found myself repeatedly uttering the word “divorce” out loud. A bitter declaration that now weighs heavily on my heart with deep regret. In reality, I didn’t truly desire a divorce; what I yearned for was the return of the man I had fallen deeply in love with, the one I promised to cherish when we exchanged vows. The profound ache of missing him lingers within me, an ever-present reminder of what once was. Even now, that gaping void remains, deep and unfillable, a lasting testament to the love we shared and lost.

After my divorce, learning to manage my anger became an essential focus in my life. I had always viewed myself as a calm and composed person, but the turmoil of my marriage forced me to confront emotions I had never acknowledged. I traversed a turbulent landscape of feelings—moments of fleeting freedom would occasionally break through the heaviness, only to be quickly replaced by waves of crippling fear, searing anger, and profound grief. I can still vividly recall those moments when I would stand in front of the mirror, tears streaming down my face, and feel a profound sense of confusion and loss. “Who is this person?” I would think, grappling with the realization that the reflection staring back at me was someone I barely recognized.

Through the clarity that therapy provided, I began to understand the situation I had endured. I had been involved with a narcissist, and the chronic neglect, betrayal, and lies I faced were not just painful experiences—they were a form of domestic abuse. This realization was both a shock and a revelation, illuminating the shadows of my past and guiding me toward a path of healing and self-discovery.

During my healing journey, I discovered the book Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing at All by Karen Ehman. This book has been invaluable to me, especially Chapter 9, titled “Hurling Hate or Healing Hearts.” In this chapter, I learned the importance of addressing anger promptly instead of allowing it to fester. I often clung to my anger, convincing myself that I was trying to process it. Although processing anger is essential, taking too long to confront it can be destructive.

The Bible reminds us, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26-27). Those are wise words to live by.

I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the transformation I’ve undergone; I am no longer the angry person I once was. Recently, my bonus daughter made a heartfelt comment about the noticeable change in my demeanor since the divorce. She pointed out how the rage and bitterness that once overshadowed my life have dissipated, which truly touched me. Confronting my anger was a daunting journey, filled with struggles and reflections, but at last, I feel like I’m reconnecting with my true self again. This newfound peace is a profound relief and a source of joy in my life.

A few years after our divorce, we attempted to try and make a brief reconciliation, which filled me with a mixture of hope and trepidation. I vividly remember one particular conversation where I urged him that if he was torn between choosing her or me, he should choose her. He was still living with “her” at this time. He told me it felt “wrong” with her and that he missed me and our family. However, that hope quickly faded when he began ghosting me once again, leaving me feeling more lost than ever. It was a painful moment of clarity, an attempt to let go while still clinging to the remnants of what we once shared.

Eventually, I discovered that the reason he started ghosting me again was that he was trying to rekindle his relationship with “her.” After revealing his struggle with alcoholism and spending a month in rehab, their relationship had unraveled. She had let him go, and he wanted her back again. In the end, their relationship was over, and he found himself single for the first time in his life.

The familiar wave of hurt and betrayal washed over me once more. It felt as though I was trapped in a cycle of heartbreak that refused to let me go. Despite the well-meaning advice from my family and friends urging me to move on, I was unable to do so.

Recognizing the weight of my grief, I made a conscious decision to allow myself to mourn the loss of my marriage for as long as it took. I refused to let despair consume me; instead, I dedicated myself to working through the tumult of my emotions, determined to seek out moments of joy amid the sorrow. I understood that I might never fully overcome the impact of this marriage, but I was resolute in my commitment to not allow it to destroy my spirit.

What baffles me now is his eagerness to embark on a new marriage with another woman—now his third relationship since our divorce—after having known her for merely 11 days. It feels surreal that he can commit so quickly to someone new, while he appeared indifferent to nurturing our bond during the extensive 36 years we spent together (28 married). We shared two beautiful daughters, countless memories, profound experiences, and an intimate understanding of one another that was built over decades. The stark contrast between his past behavior and his current actions is not only striking but also hauntingly significant. It leaves me grappling with the painful question of whether I will ever truly understand his motivations and the reasons behind his decision to leave.

In the early stages of our divorce, my oldest daughter was flourishing in her college life, fully diving into her studies and relishing the taste of independence that came with it. She was exploring new places, meeting exciting people, and discovering who she truly was. Meanwhile, my youngest daughter was nearing the end of high school, eagerly anticipating the adventures that awaited her as she prepared to transition to college. As these significant changes unfolded in their lives, I found myself standing at a pivotal crossroads. I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions, feeling both abandoned by the life I once knew and liberated by the prospect of new beginnings. In the midst of this turmoil, I couldn’t help but wonder where this journey would take me and what my future might hold.

I was embarking on a significant journey of healing, one that required me to confront my anger head-on, navigate the dense fog of my grief, and tirelessly seek answers to the haunting “why” questions that lingered in my mind. Additionally, I had to face the looming economic consequences of the divorce, which added another layer of weight to my already burdened heart. The fear of financial instability consumed me; I couldn’t shake the anxiety of how I would make ends meet in such uncertain times that also included Covid and several events of unpaid time off due to health struggles. According to a study by Forbes, women typically experience a staggering 45% decline in their living standards after a gray divorce, which measures how income compares to essential needs. In contrast, men face only a 21% decline. This disparity resonated with my own experience, intensifying the weight of my situation as I struggled to regain my footing in a world that felt increasingly unfamiliar.

In the early days of our marriage, I had a rewarding and fulfilling career at a prestigious private wealth management firm. Each day brought a sense of accomplishment and purpose as I navigated the complexities of financial management and built strong client relationships. However, everything changed dramatically when my youngest daughter turned three. At that milestone, my husband revealed that he had an affair and that the affair was over.

Once the initial shock wore off, we began to have heartfelt discussions about our priorities and the future. Ultimately, we decided that, in order to achieve balance in our family, I would embrace the role of a stay-at-home mom and he would be the bread winner. We believed that this change would nurture our family’s well-being and strengthen our bond. This decision unfolded in 2004, a particularly challenging year that was also marked by financial strain, as we found ourselves on the verge of bankruptcy—a reality that made our choice both poignant and significant.

Our marriage had weathered intense challenges, primarily due to my husband’s infidelity, which had cast a shadow over our relationship. Each of us was battling our own pressures and stressors that only added to the strain. For him, the weight of anxiety stemmed from our precarious financial situation, which felt like an ever-present cloud, looming and threatening our stability. Meanwhile, I found myself deeply unsettled by his apparent lack of emotional support and neglect, which left me feeling alone in a sea of turmoil.

As we navigated our demanding careers, it felt as if we were caught in a relentless storm. Our daily lives were filled with chaos, leaving little space for us to connect meaningfully or enjoy quality moments as a family of four. The intense demands of work consumed our time and energy, further widening the gap between us, leaving us yearning for peace and togetherness in a world that felt increasingly turbulent.

During this challenging period, our bankruptcy attorney suggested that if I resigned from my job, it could help reduce our liabilities in the bankruptcy process. This idea resonated with both of us, though for different reasons. For my husband, it was a practical financial decision. For me, it offered emotional relief, providing hope for a healing transition. The thought of stepping away from the career I loved was sad but no longer feeling the pressures of a high-stakes career felt like a breath of fresh air.

I envisioned a life where I could fully dedicate myself to my children—preparing their favorite meals, organizing household chores, and managing errands—rather than rushing through these tasks in the evenings and on weekends. This shift would allow us to reclaim our evenings and weekends, enabling us to create cherished family memories together. I longed for laughter-filled dinners, weekend outings, and spontaneous moments of joy as we strengthened our family bond. The prospect of all this felt like a beautiful ray of hope amidst the storm we were facing.

Adjusting to this life change was quite challenging for me. While I loved my family, stepping away from a career I was passionate about was difficult. However, over time, I welcomed my role as a homemaker and grew to love it, even giving myself the title of “Domestic Engineer.” As a result, our family became stronger during that time.

During the years the girls were in school, I worked part-time jobs, financially contributing in a small way to our household. My husband had been the primary breadwinner, earning a comfortable salary that allowed us to live well. But when he left, everything changed. He stopped paying the bills, leaving the girls and me to handle the overwhelming responsibilities of maintaining our family home.

When I returned to full-time work in 2016, I found myself facing a completely different landscape, which made my job search difficult. My skills had become outdated, and I didn’t have the formal education needed to support my applications. This presented a significant challenge for me. It took a long time to find a job that suited me and offered a decent salary. I was earning much less than I had at the private wealth management firm. However, I eventually found a job working at a school. The schedule was great for me and my family. Unfortunately, after my divorce, that salary was no longer sufficient.

My job as a registrar and administrative specialist at the public middle school in our city provided enough income for one person to live frugally, but it made it challenging to make ends meet. After we sold our family home shortly after the divorce was finalized, I managed to create a home for my youngest daughter and me, but it was a financial struggle. Meanwhile, my ex-husband continued to advance in his career and had moved in with the woman he pursued both before and after our divorce. She owned her own home and had a professional career as a mechanical engineer at the same company he worked for.

Since our divorce, my living standards have significantly declined, while his financial situation has only improved. He still works as an engineer and now lives with his financially stable fiancée, a widow who now shares her lake home with him. Recently, he and his fiancée have been visiting our daughters in Kansas and Florida, and just hearing about that is painful for me. I’m heartbroken and struggling with the realization that this should be us—enjoying our empty nest years and growing old together.

“While gray divorce presents unique challenges, many who’ve been through it report feeling more authentic and alive than they have in years. As one chapter closes, another opens – filled with possibilities for growth, adventure, and renewed purpose.” (Gray Divorce – Why more couples over 50 are getting divorced by RollingOut)

My divorce marked a complex and bittersweet chapter in my life, filled with a whirlwind of emotions. On one hand, I felt immense relief and joy as I finally gained clarity from the turmoil that had engulfed me for far too long. The fog of confusion that once clouded my mind began to lift, allowing me to see my path forward with newfound confidence. I could finally embrace the strength within me to make my own decisions, free from hesitation and doubt. After enduring years of neglect and feeling invisible in my relationship, the weight of loneliness had taken a significant toll on my spirit. Each moment of isolation chipped away at my sense of self, but now, emerging from the shadows, I could begin to reclaim my identity and pursue a brighter future. On the other hand, I was scared and sometimes felt paralyzed by grief and extreme loneliness. I had no idea that this recovery would take so long and be so difficult.

I have dedicated a substantial amount of time and energy to my healing journey, fully aware that it is a lengthy and continuous process. Every day, I intentionally engage in activities that support my recovery, striving to cultivate an environment that nurtures my well-being. Over time, I have formed a network of relationships with individuals who offer me genuine compassion and understanding, steering clear of judgment. One profound truth I have come to accept is that recovery is not just a distant goal but attainable. However, it demands a deep commitment and a conscious effort to prioritize my healing in all aspects of my life.

I truly believe that experiencing a gray divorce—the kind that occurs after many years of marriage—can be far less devastating than the turbulent journey I faced. In my case, the process felt overwhelmingly traumatic due to various distressing factors. If the challenges in our relationship hadn’t arisen and we had naturally grown apart over time, I believe my path to recovery would have been significantly different and perhaps much smoother.

I am still in full recovery mode. A lot has changed for me, and my mindset has improved. However, I am still experiencing pain, loneliness, and longing for the man I married and the family ties we once shared together. According to Gray Divorce – Why More Couples over 50 are getting divorced by RollingOut, “Recovery from a gray divorce typically takes longer than for younger couples. Research shows many people need four years or more to adjust to their new life fully. However, experts emphasize that this healing period can also be a time of incredible personal growth.”

I have discovered my silver lining in numerous aspects of my life, and it’s essential to recognize that each person’s silver lining is uniquely personal. My silver lining lies in the profound transformation I’ve undergone—no longer burdened by anger. I have embarked on a journey of self-discovery, gaining insights into my thoughts and emotions like never before. This newfound understanding has led me to cultivate a deep, abiding sense of peace that had evaded me for far too long. Embracing this tranquility brings me genuine happiness, filling my days with joy and light.

“This year may not have gone the way you planned, but it taught you more than you expected. In the struggles, you found strength; in the heartbreaks, you discovered what truly matters. Life has a way of revealing its deepest lessons through pain, and somewhere along the way, you began to heal. Slowly, piece by piece, you started to understand what you need, what you deserve, and what you’re ready to leave behind. As you step into the new year, let those realizations guide you. Trust that the healing you’ve worked so hard for will carry you toward brighter, more peaceful days…”

Writer’s Blossoms

My next posts will be the following:

Divorce Recovery – Take care of your health

Divorce Recovery – Plan your future

Divorce Recovery – Take care of yourself

Divorce Recovery – Create a support network

Divorce Recovery – Finding love again

Some resources I’ve found helpful during my divorce recovery:

Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing at All

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life Thats Beautiful Again

Jesus Calling Note-Taking Edition, Leathersoft, Black, with Full Scriptures: Enjoying Peace in His Presence (A 365-Day Devotional and Prayer Journal)

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