I’m single on purpose

Brave Girl, I See You.

“Heartbreak has a way of settling deep, doesn’t it? No matter how much love you hold, how hard you try, or how many times you tell yourself to move on—it lingers. A memory, a song, a familiar place, and suddenly the wound is fresh again.

I know the weight of trying to heal when healing won’t come. When everything inside you is begging for relief, but the pain just won’t let go.

Some heartbreaks don’t fade overnight. Some wounds take longer than we ever thought possible. But Brave Girl, hear me—you won’t always feel this way.

One day, the grip of this pain will loosen. One day, you’ll wake up and the ache won’t be quite as sharp. Until then, hold on. Keep breathing. Keep moving forward, even if it’s just one small step at a time. And if today all you can do is exist, that’s okay too.

You are not alone in this darkness. And one day, when you’re ready, you’ll find your way back to the light.“

With you always,
Brave Girl🦋

After my divorce, I began the challenging yet transformative journey of unpacking the emotional baggage I had carried for years. I recognized my need for healing and took the brave step to start therapy. Despite feeling lonely, I was determined to fill that void in my life. Throughout my marriage, I had remained faithful, even when my husband chose to ignore me for over eight years. In hindsight, I realize he was concealing so much from me.

My ex-husband lacked accountability in his life regarding his character, our marriage, our children, his addictions, and his relationship with God. He had no true friends and mocked those he outwardly pretended to like. His standards were impossibly high; nothing was ever good enough – he complained about everything yet never sought any solution to fix anything. His misery cast a shadow over me and our daughters, yet through it all, I discovered my strength. I had been lonely for a long time, but this experience became the catalyst for my personal growth and renewal.

A month after my divorce, I took the brave step of going on my first date. A customer at the bank where I worked had been flirting with me for months, and I embraced the attention after so many years of being unnoticed in my marriage. However, I quickly realized that he wasn’t the right match for me, marking the end of that first date.

After moving to downtown St. Paul, I ventured on a few more dates, but nothing truly resonated. Then, I decided to explore Match.com and discovered a man I felt I could genuinely connect with. Our first date we met at an outdoor Jazz Festival. It was pleasant, filled with kindness and sweetness, encouraging us to continue seeing each other. Yet, even as he fell in love, I recognized that we were not meant to be.

I discovered more things about him that didn’t align with my heart, and I made the difficult decision to end our relationship after about a year and a half. When the breakup came, I didn’t shed a tear, a clear sign that he wasn’t my soulmate, just as I wasn’t his. This journey confirmed for me the importance of healing before inviting someone new into my life, reminding me that self-discovery and growth are vital steps toward true love.

I discovered early on in my brief experience with dating that I was still in love with my ex-husband and needed to focus on my healing. Understanding why I still held onto those feelings, despite the pain he had caused, became essential. In that moment, I embraced the truth: I was not ready to date, and that realization was a vital step toward my personal growth.

My relationship with my ex-husband can definitely be characterized as a “trauma bond.” A trauma bond forms when two people feel an emotional dependency on each other to feel whole, often as a result of being mentally, emotionally, or spiritually broken. Looking back, I realize I was a broken individual when I met my ex-husband, and he was too. We met, fell in love, and tried to fill the gaps in each other’s lives. Neither of us had a solid understanding of what a healthy marriage should look like; we both grew up witnessing our parents in unhealthy relationships. I’ve reflected on this and often wonder—does a healthy marriage even exist? I believe it does, and it requires significant effort from both partners to maintain that health. It takes work!

How does a healthy marriage thrive? While I can’t cover everything in this post, countless books explore the principles of marital health. Yet, I believe the core of a successful marriage is friendship.

Friends are naturally drawn to one another, united by shared interests and goals. They nurture their bond by spending meaningful time together, free from romantic expectations. Through friendship, they reveal their secrets, vulnerabilities, beliefs, and dreams, fostering deep trust. Friends eagerly look forward to their time together, excited for the next encounter.

Understanding whether partners are healthy or damaged is crucial for building a vibrant marriage. Healed individuals seek fulfilling connections. These relationships create space for authenticity and growth, forming a unique balance. This is how you lay a strong foundation for a lasting marriage!

I am on a healing journey, taking the time I need to become my healthiest self before I enter the dating world again. Who knows – maybe I never will! But I will never say never! Rediscovering and trusting myself is my priority right now. Here are some ways I’ve been cultivating that awareness:

Seeking Professional Help

If you’re feeling lost, confused, sad, or you’re having a hard time coping, reaching out for professional support might help. A mental health professional can provide a safe space to talk about your feelings and offer resources to develop coping skills that can help you feel better. I had a strong sense that my family and friends had heard enough of my sob stories and the advice they offered were things I had already thought of myself. Finding and meeting with a therapist helped me tremendously! I now had a neutral party to share my deepest and sometimes darkest thoughts with who could give me professional advice.

Organizing and Purging My Belongings

Purging my belongings was a transformative experience after my divorce. By letting go of a significant amount of “stuff,” I released the negative energy tied to my past. This act of decluttering brought me an immense sense of freedom. To my surprise, I found that I don’t miss any of those items. Instead, I captured their essence through pictures, embracing the memories without being weighed down.

Embracing Alone Time

Embracing alone time was a journey for me. I missed the joyful chaos of kids coming and going and the warmth of family dinners. After my marriage ended, my oldest daughter was focused on her college career and hardly came home. She graduated shortly after the divorce, entering a new chapter in her life. My youngest daughter was a senior in high school, and preparing her for college became a priority. Once she left, I found myself alone frequently.

I began to create moments for myself, preparing nice dinners after work and connecting with friends. Embracing my aloneness took time, but now it is a source of joy and fulfillment in my life.

Taking on a new hobby

After my divorce I was forced to do things by myself rather than ask a friend to do them for me. One thing I started doing was assembling all the new furniture I purchased to replace all the old stuff. In the past I would have just asked my husband to do that and wait for it to happen. I learned pretty quickly after the divorce that I actually liked doing it myself. I bought myself a tool kit and a drill and got started. Since then I’ve done a ton of assembling and home improvements that I normally wouldn’t have done on my own. I designed a private garden space in my new home and did all the work myself to put it together. It’s become one of my most favorite places to spend time. I’ve also learned how to crochet since my divorce.

I have a few more ideas on my list for personal growth and self-investment. One of the activities I’m considering is skydiving, which would be an exhilarating way to step out of my comfort zone and face my fears. Additionally, I’m thinking about taking a solo RV trip. Traveling alone (along with Merri of course) in an RV would offer me the freedom to explore new places at my own pace and enjoy my own company in nature.

While I’ve managed to set several new goals for myself, I’ve found that this list keeps expanding. I see this as a positive development, as it reflects my commitment to continuously pushing my boundaries and seeking new experiences. Exploring these options excites me, and I look forward to the adventures that lie ahead.

Once you decide you are ready to date, Here are some general and practical rules you might like to follow which I found in the PsychCentral article How Long Should You Wait to Date After a Divorce:

1. Don’t rush it

When dating after a divorce, Rod Mitchell, a registered psychologist, suggests you’ll want to take things slow.

Even if you experience intense emotions you hadn’t planned, consider embracing each moment rather than rushing it. It allows you to continue working on yourself and prevents jumping back into a serious relationship before you’re ready.

2. Trust yourself and your instincts

If you take the time to know yourself well before dating again, you’ll be more entuned to what you want and need. Doing so can also make it easier for you to follow your gut and listen to your instincts.

Your instincts are helpful because they let you know when something feels off. It’s okay to change your mind or say no when you don’t feel good about something.

3. Prioritize personal growth

Even if you want to dedicate your time and energy to another person, you should consider your personal growth first. Self-improvement is essential to improving your mental and emotional well-being while rediscovering yourself after a major life change.

Your personal growth should be a priority and come before dating. If you’re in the process of healing or dedicating time to accomplish personal goals, it could be helpful to wait on dating.

But working on yourself shouldn’t only exist while you’re single. Even if you decide that you’re ready to date, continuing in your self-growth journey can help you create boundaries and strengthen your bond with a future partner.

4. Be honest

If you’re ready to date, try to stay as honest as you can with your potential partner. While you don’t have to share every detail about your divorce or how it may have affected you, being upfront about why you’re looking to date someone can be helpful.

If you feel safe, it’s okay to be vulnerable with the person you choose to date. It can take time to build trust with a new partner, but building on a foundation of honesty may help you sustain a healthy relationship.

5. Give yourself grace as you adjust to the modern dating scene

You might feel lost and confused if you’ve been out of the dating scene for a while.

It may take time to learn about all the dating apps and websites, and you might feel overwhelmed or want to give up sometimes. But try to remain patient and give yourself grace as you learn new ways of dating and meeting people.

6. Wait before introducing your children

If you have kids, consider waiting a while before introducing them to your new partner.

2021 research focused on how mothers and their children are impacted post-divorce indicates a connection between:

• a mother’s mental health
• behavior issues in children
• relationship quality with a new partner

Findings suggest that it’s important to focus on how your child is adjusting after the divorce before introducing a potential new partner to your family.

Being intentional about when your partner can meet your children can improve your relationship with both your child and your new partner. In addition, intentionality can also support your well-being.

7. Wait until your divorce is finalized

If you’re still married but separated, you might wonder if it’s reasonable to date while going through a divorce. While it’s a personal preference, your best bet is usually to wait until your divorce is finalized.

Family lawyer and divorce mediator, Julia Rueschemeyer explains that dating before the divorce is finalized “can sometimes complicate the legal process and emotional dynamics, especially if children are involved.” With this being the case, consider whether dating during the process is worth it to you.

I encourage you to follow what feels right for you after your divorce. I have chosen to focus on my emotional, spiritual and physical growth and healing so that I can feel whole before inviting someone new into my life. I aspire for the best for myself and potentially my future partner, which requires ongoing dedication to my healing journey. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best in your divorce recovery!

I hope you have the courage to choose yourself, over and over.
I hope you have the courage to move forward, not backwards. To choose growth over comfort, to choose possibility over the past.
I hope you know how worthy you are of everything you’ve ever wanted, even if an unkind heart has lead you to believe otherwise.

Your soft heart deserves to feel loved and chosen, not just today, but every day.
I hope you wake up each day feeling hopeful and encouraged, knowing that you’re so capable of every single thing you want to do, big or small.

( ✍️ Charlotte Freeman )

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Resources:

BOOK: Single On Purpose: Prioritizing Self-Love and Personal Growth in Your Journey Through Life, Dating, and Relationships

BOOK: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love

References:

Barkley, S. (2023, November 21). How Long Should You Wait to Date After a Divorce? Https://Psychcentral.com/. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/dating-after-divorce

Mitchell, R. (n.d.). About Us. Emotions Therapy Calgary. https://www.emotionstherapycalgary.ca/psychologist-calgary-rod-mitchell

Coelho, S., CPT, & Silva, S. (2022, February 25). Lost After a Divorce? 5 Tips to Find Your Way Back. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/blog/lost-after-divorce-how-to-get-through

Asselmann E, Specht J. Personality growth after relationship losses: Changes of perceived control in the years around separation, divorce, and the death of a partner. PLoS One. 2022 Aug 3;17(8):e0268598. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0268598. PMID: 35921259; PMCID: PMC9348722.

DeAnda JS, Langlais MR, Anderson ER, Greene SM. Examining Children’s Problem Behaviors and Mothers’ Dating for Mothers’ Depressive Symptoms Following Divorce. J Child Fam Stud. 2021 Sep;30(9):2165-2179. doi: 10.1007/s10826-021-02029-8. Epub 2021 Jul 6. PMID: 34675466; PMCID: PMC8525835.

Moore, M. (2022, April 18). Kids and Divorce: 13 FAQs to First Consider. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/health/kids-and-divorce-tough-issues

Rueschemeyer, J. (n.d.). About Me. Amherst Divorce. https://www.amherstdivorce.com/