Divorce – Part 2 – Forgiveness is a process

This is how you forgive the person who broke your heart

“You forgive them by giving yourself time to heal. This doesn’t happen all at once. This doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow progression. You take two steps forward and four steps back. Sometimes it won’t make sense. But you grow a bit stronger, a bit more resilient, every single day. Even if you don’t always see it.

You forgive them by focusing on yourself. Stop pouring your energy into toxicity. You unplug. You unfollow. Practice self-care. Reread your favorite books and go out with your best friends, laughing and remembering how good things can be when you surround yourself with positivity. Tell your broken heart it’s okay to take a break to remember how to smile again.

You forgive them by removing yourself from the situation. The longer you dwell in it, in the heartache, the more it festers. It’s difficult, but you have to leave it alone. Honor your emotions. Honor your feelings. But don’t keep circling back. Don’t keep obsessing over what occurred. Imagine it like a balloon. Let it float away. Tell it goodbye. It can’t hurt you now.

You forgive them by accepting what they did. That doesn’t mean the pain is erased. That doesn’t mean you suddenly think it’s okay or you’ve let them off the hook. It doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for their actions or that you’ve forgotten what happened. It just means accepting what’s done is done. It means admitting there is no rewind button. You can only move forward.

You forgive them by regaining your life. Because there is so much more than just one person who broke your heart.”

After the divorce, it was painful to see how quickly my ex-husband moved on. He had already found someone new before we were divorced. He moved in with her in September and we were divorced in December that same year. I didn’t even know that relationship existed until my youngest daughter told me. He never even said goodbye. After 28 years of marriage and 36 years together I felt I at least deserved a goodbye. That relationship ended and he is now in his third relationship since our divorce just under six years ago. Recently, I learned he became engaged to this woman after knowing her for only eleven days.

My ex-husband discarded me like I was worthless, and for a long time while still in my marriage, that’s how I felt – worthless. He had ignored me for eight long years. When you are a victim of emotional abuse, your wounds are not visible on the outside; they are all on the inside. I often found myself staring into the mirror, asking, “Who are you?” and this is what I saw. An angry, bitter, scared, lonely, wounded woman.

I had been working so hard since my divorce to forgive and move on, but this latest news has shattered my heart once again. I found myself becoming overwhelmed with questions. Why her and not me? Why didn’t you hear my cries, Lord? For years, I’ve been pleading with You to heal my marriage, praying for changes in both my heart and his so we could re-engage and reignite our relationship. Why is this still affecting me? Despite all my efforts to move forward, why do I still love him? He broke me! It took me a long time to realize that his behavior was not a reflection of my worth. His inadequacies are his own, not mine. I am worthy of love, and I find that love through Christ, who strengthens me. Each time I am confronted with a situation, I have to remind myself of the tools I’ve learned along my journey of recovery.

First, I found a really good therapist. Then, I took the time to examine myself and acknowledge the destruction I contributed to the marriage. As I moved forward, I armed myself with tools for healing, one of which is forgiveness—both for myself and for him. So, why does this news of his engagement still bother me? Why do I feel like I’m starting all over again in this process? The simple answer is that I am human and forgiveness is a process.

I strive to constantly move forward, even though it often feels like I’m taking two steps forward and four steps back. Hearing that he’s getting married brings tears to my eyes and a gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. It makes me wonder how he can be a good husband to someone else when he couldn’t be a good husband to me. I find myself having to forgive him all over again. The book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst reminds me that forgiveness is a journey.

Lysa writes, “Life is rarely tidy. Relationships aren’t easy. And the constant stresses and strains of managing and navigating so many daily issues is hard on the human heart. I can find myself feeling like I’m doing really well with keeping my heart swept clean of bitterness one minute and the next minute feeling like a complete failure. When the same person I’ve worked hard to forgive does another thing that hurts me, I can be tempted to dig up my proof of what they did in the past, weaponize my pain against them and feel bitterness rush back inside of me like an unstoppable flood.

But as I’ve sat with these feeling of hesitation and wrestling, I’ve come to the conclusion that the goal with forgiveness isn’t perfection – it’s progress.

If this happens to you, realize this is normal. It doesn’t make you a forgiveness failure. We aren’t robots. We are tenderhearted humans who feel deeply, so we can easily get hurt deeply. The sign of progress isn’t the ability never to get hurt or offended or knocked off balance emotionally. The sign of progress is to let the pain work for you instead of against you.”

I remind myself that God did hear my cries. His response isn’t always what we want to hear, and His timing seems to never be our timing. Just this past Saturday, I was digging through some boxes stored in the basement when I found the book “Wait” by Russell Kelfer. As I sat down to read it, I felt my anxiety and hurt slowly melting away. I was reminded of the Bible verse from Psalm 121: “I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” How is it possible that the God of all the heavens and the earth cares enough to ease my pain and comfort me? I truly believe He does!

I found a song that resonates with me deeply is “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns (2004). The lyrics give me goosebumps every time I listen to it.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever-wandering heart?
Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear when I’m calling
Lord, you catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

About a year ago, I bought a ring to wear on my left hand as a reminder of my belonging to my Heavenly Father and His love for me. It is inscribed with the words “I am Yours” and features a wide band made of hammered gold. This ring serves as a reminder that I am flawed and imperfect, yet God, the King of all Kings, calls me His daughter. He is the father to the fatherless. Despite all my brokenness and flaws, He chooses to love me, which brings me great comfort.

This is what I do when I’m feeling so sad about the past and a situation triggers me:

I focus on myself and allow myself the grace to feel all my emotions.

I forgive myself for the mistakes I made along the way.

I use the tools I’ve learned to help me navigate my journey.

I remind myself that God loves me with all my faults and imperfections, and then,

I move forward (again).

I encourage all of you to allow yourselves grace to feel your emotions, forgive yourselves for the mistakes you’ve made along the way and remind yourselves that you are loved! Then move forward. One day at a time.

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