“When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, there will always be another secret life going on behind your back. This is because these people are very empty, and they need stimulation from multiple sources just to face existence. They’ll be doing drugs or pornography. They’ll be stringing multiple partners through flirting and emotional affairs. They will be chasing financial intrigue that occasionally gets them into scams and trouble. The reason they must flirt with other people is also because they’re seeking to move on to other people who don’t know the games they play. They know they’ll get bored with you eventually, or you’ll learn to resist their shenanigans. And since being alone would kill them, they begin to groom possible replacements among anyone whom they can charm. You’ll also notice this habit of making promises to you and then using those promises as a dangling carrot to get compliance from you. If you don’t do what they want, they’ll withdraw the promise. Sometimes, they’ll deny having promised at all, or they postpone it until you give up. The truth is that they never intended to fulfill it in the first place. Narcissists have lost all sense of right and wrong. Everything is about satisfying themselves. When you finally leave, they’ll circle back to you, pretending to be checking on you when actually they’re checking if they still have access. If you have a child with them, they would weaponise that child to torture you until you cut them off totally or you manage to enforce boundaries with the help of the law. But the child will be scarred or wasted by the counter parenting and objectification from the narcissist. Society knows very little about narcissists. Sometimes, you stay because you fear the pain of letting go until you realize the pain you’re already taking for holding on. Other times, you think you’re staying for the children until you realize that the narcissist is turning all of them into other small narcissists and broken empaths. Your solution is to recognize that this person is incapable of peace. They’re only excellent at pretending and confusing you. You will never have a life until you detach from them and direct your life towards wholeness and emotional stability.” #sunnylargefollowers
This post holds immense significance for me; it encapsulates the very essence of my blog. Living through, recognizing, and ultimately healing from a relationship with a narcissist has been the most challenging journey I’ve ever embarked upon. Before I delve into my story, I want to make one thing clear: this isn’t about vilifying my ex-husband. Rather, my aim is to educate and uplift others who may find themselves ensnared in similar circumstances.
In her thought-provoking book, “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People,” Dr. Ramani Durvasula intricately unpacks the bewildering behaviors of narcissists. She writes, “It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day, they draw you in with their captivating charm and magnetic charisma, making you feel special and adored; the next day, they unleash a torrent of gaslighting, systematically eroding your self-esteem and leaving you in a state of confusion and self-doubt. You find yourself asking, ‘What could I have done differently?'”
This powerful description resonates deeply with my own life experience. I spent 28 years married to a narcissist, sharing a total of 36 years of my life with someone whose dual nature was as captivating as it was devastating. The highs of our relationship were exhilarating, filled with moments of love and joy; yet, these were often starkly contrasted by dark lows that left me feeling lost and devalued.
What strikes me most is the realization that my ex-husband does not even recognize his own narcissism. His words, “I was afraid of you,” spoken shortly after our divorce, pierced my heart deeply. That comment lingered in my mind, prompting me to reflect and seek understanding through prayer and contemplation. It was a revelation that shook me to my core: just as I had become frightened of the person I had turned into—lost and reactive, a shadow of my true self—he was insinuating that the destruction of our marriage had been all my fault. He didn’t even realize that my behavioral changes were a direct reflection of the relentless narcissistic abuse I endured. Coming to this realization was nothing short of enlightening, illuminating the complexity of our shared history and the profound impact of his actions on my psyche. I have neither been an angry person before our marriage or after our divorce.
During those years spent with my narcissist, I found myself in a constant state of turmoil. My ex-husband had vowed to love, honor, and cherish me—a commitment that I held sacred. We shared a life together, marrying, renewing our vows, and sharing in our water baptism – all as symbols of our union over the course of our 28 years together and our union with Jesus as the center of our lives. I genuinely believed that we were bound together until death.
I consider myself an intelligent person, yet the revelation of my ex-husband’s infidelity and struggles with alcoholism left me feeling utterly foolish. How could I have been so oblivious? I’ve come to understand that when you are deeply entrenched in the complexities of marriage, parenting, work, and various responsibilities, it becomes incredibly challenging to step back and objectively assess your situation—especially when your mind is clouded with confusion and self-doubt.
“Betrayal is a silent thief. It takes away more than trust; it steals the innocence of believing in people without fear. It leaves you questioning everything you thought you knew about love, loyalty, and connection. It’s not just the act that haunts you, but the thought that you never saw it coming from the person you thought would never hurt you.”
I struggled to understand why I felt so distrustful. What was wrong with me? Anger simmered within me, directed at myself, and there were moments when I found it difficult to even trust my own instincts. Did I overlook crucial signs? Had I misconstrued his words? I was consistently extending him the benefit of the doubt. When I caught a whiff of alcohol on his breath and bravely inquired, “Are you drinking?” he would vehemently deny it, insisting, “No.” Similarly, when the unmistakable scent of cigarettes lingered on his clothes and breath, and I asked, “Are you smoking?” his answer was once again a staunch “No.” How could I have been so mistaken? He was my husband—my partner, and I had placed my faith in him. Why would he ever lie to me? I loved him with all my heart, and he professed to love me in return.
As our marriage approached its end, gaslighting became a constant torment in my life. I remember feeling as if I was walking through a fog, struggling to make sense of reality. At that time, I didn’t even have a name for what I was experiencing; I had no idea what gaslighting truly meant. Events that transpired would be dismissed outright, with him adamantly denying that they had ever occurred. It was as though my reality was being systematically unraveled, leaving me lost and alone in a world where my perceptions were continuously undermined.
Towards the end of our tumultuous marriage—in the same year that would ultimately lead to our divorce—we made an earnest attempt to rekindle the spark we once shared. We agreed to draw a line in the sand, leaving behind the pain of our past and starting anew, each promising to forgive the other. For a fleeting two weeks, it felt as if we had rediscovered each other. The intimacy we shared was electrifying, and laughter filled our home once more, creating an atmosphere that seemed almost magical.
However, this newfound connection was short-lived. After I returned from a weekend trip to pick up my eldest daughter from college for the summer, I sensed a distance growing between us. It seemed that every time I stepped away, our relationship took a significant hit. A month later, to my shock, he claimed that our agreement to rekindle our marriage had never even taken place. Was I losing my mind?
As the truth began to unfurl, I learned that he had plunged into yet another affair with a co-worker, just as our hopes began to blossom. Soon after, he packed his belongings and moved in with her, leaving our shared life behind. One ordinary day, while I was at work, he emptied the house of most of his things, locked his door, and vanished as if he had never been there at all. I was heartbroken. Initially, I believed he had gone to stay with his mother, who had started to decline and required extensive care. I thought he was simply seeking a change of scenery to clear his thoughts. I could not have been more mistaken.
In a cruel twist of fate, he had moved out permanently, erasing our life together as if it had never existed. As the days passed, I discovered that he had succumbed to drinking again, finding refuge in the arms of the other woman who had no idea of his struggles with alcoholism. His addiction spiraled out of control, leading to harrowing consequences. He found himself hospitalized multiple times due to severe seizures resulting from his drinking.
The other woman, panicked and desperate, reached out to our eldest daughter, pleading for guidance on what to do. My daughter, feeling the weight of the situation, advised her to call 911, explaining that his alcoholism was nothing new to our family. The other woman, taken aback and frightened by the revelation, ultimately decided to send him to rehab for a month. In a predictable turn of events, their relationship crumbled shortly after his return, just as ours had.
A lot of my behavior during the end of our marriage was terrible. I was frustrated, scared and alone. I yelled and threw things at him at times. He simply ignored me and walked away which only made things worse. He completely dismissed me as if I didn’t matter. My spending increased during this time. I know now that I was using spending to make myself feel better. I, again, was so lonely. What had happened? How? Why? I loved this man. I believed our marriage was sacred, even after his first affair when he decided he wanted to make our marriage work. I stayed and things actually became good again. Our girls were little at that time and I chalked his affair up to his anxiety of having a wife, two kids, a mortgage and stressful job. I forgave him. I blamed myself. I know now that his cheating was not my fault. It was only years after our divorce and a lot of therapy that I learned about narcissism. I had married a narcissist! I wasn’t crazy after all. The healing begins!
So what is it that draws us to narcissists? For me, it was the intoxicating experience of love-bombing. Growing up, I lived in a world characterized by insecurity and a deep craving for affection. I often felt like a shadow, attempting to blend into the background to escape any negative attention that might come my way.
My father was a narcissist. He often oscillated between fits of anger and complete emotional absence. It was a tumultuous environment that left a lasting mark on my sense of self-worth. In stark contrast, my mother radiated warmth and kindness; she was the quintessential loving mother, always striving to provide the best for her children. Yet, despite her nurturing nature, she was overwhelmed by the demands of raising my brothers and I and the challenge of keeping my father content. Her struggle created a complicated family dynamic that shaped my understanding of love and intimacy.
When I first crossed paths with my ex-husband in high school, an undeniable spark ignited between us, weaving a connection that felt both exhilarating and terrifying. He was incredibly sweet, radiating kindness with every gesture, and undeniably attractive, which made my heart race. Having never experienced a genuinely loving and affectionate relationship before, I was taken aback when he confessed his love for me after our very first date. It filled me with warmth but also a deep-seated fear—how could someone feel so strongly so quickly?
As our relationship blossomed, we quickly crossed physical boundaries, and intimacy became a regular part of our lives. This connection further solidified our bond, enveloping me in a wave of affection that I had long craved. With each loving touch and tender word, I slowly began to realize that I loved him too. I was starved for the warmth that comes from genuine care and attention. I believed he felt the same way too, given that his own childhood had been a chaotic journey filled with turmoil. But that’s a tale only he can tell.
I believe we were two souls yearning for love and affection, who miraculously found one another amidst our struggles. For a time, our relationship felt like a delicate, enchanting dance, filled with laughter and whispered secrets under starlit skies.
However, as time passed, I sensed an emptiness in our connection. He often seemed preoccupied with “other things,” creating an invisible distance between us. I craved a deeper bond, so I tried to end things. To my surprise, this only intensified his pursuit of me. Each time I attempted to walk away, his passion grew stronger, and I found myself irresistibly drawn back to him, unable to resist his unwavering affection.
Throughout our journey of dating and marriage, I witnessed several unmistakable signs of narcissism that deeply affected our relationship. He often preferred solitude, seeming to find comfort in being alone rather than engaging with me or our shared experiences. Empathy was a rare quality for him; it was as if he had a barrier that kept him from feeling the emotions of those around him. And during our arguments, he had a peculiar knack for steering the conversation away from the original issue, diverting it to unrelated topics, which left unresolved feelings lingering between us.
Moreover, he frequently accused me of “always having the right thing to say,” implying that my communication skills outpaced his, which only fueled a sense of frustration in our interactions. Rather than offering support or encouragement during my achievements, he often displayed signs of jealousy.
One poignant memory that stands out is the day I returned home bubbling with excitement, eager to share that I had received a substantial raise at work. I envisioned a celebration of sorts, a moment to bask in the joy of our shared success. Instead, his response was disheartening. With a heavy, dejected tone, he remarked, “Now you earn more than I do.” In an instant, my excitement deflated, leaving me heartbroken. I had wanted him to rejoice with me, to understand that this accomplishment was not just mine but a benefit for both of us. Instead, it felt as if I was met with disappointment rather than the celebration I had hoped for.
As our marriage approached its end, the signs of his narcissism became glaringly apparent, particularly when he was surrounded by others. In public, he effortlessly donned the mask of a loving husband, showing love, affection and warmth towards me, compelling those around us to admire our seemingly perfect relationship and how sweet and kind he was. They saw him as the attentive partner, the kind of man everyone aspired to have in their lives.
Yet, behind closed doors, a starkly different reality unfolded. When we were alone, he barely acknowledged my presence, as if I were invisible. The contrast between his public facade and private indifference left me feeling frustrated and deeply confused, struggling to reconcile the two versions of the man I thought I knew. He hid his narcissistic behavior and abuse towards me well. This is what is known as the “covert narcissist”.
I found myself overwhelmed with sadness, yearning for the intimacy and connection that seemed to vanish in the shadows of our home. In my moments of despair, I turned to family and friends for comfort and understanding. However, their perceptions of him clashed with my reality; they only witnessed his charm and attentiveness, failing to see or even believe the isolation I experienced behind the scenes. These were overwhelmingly difficult times.
So what are the characteristics that a narcissist is drawn to? Being love-starved for one. Other characteristics may include being empathetic, acting as a rescuer, possessing a strong sense of optimism and positivity, and being forgiving. Additionally, individuals may have had narcissistic, antagonistic, or invalidating parents, entered into rushed relationships, or experienced a history of trauma, betrayal, or significant loss. I identified with many of these traits. Was that the reason he was drawn to me? I may never know, but I have come to accept that. However, if I ever enter into another relationship, I will be able to understand the how’s and why’s behind it now.
Now that we’ve identified the narcissistic behavior, how do we move forward and heal from the relationship we endured? Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist can be tough, but it’s totally possible! Here are some steps you might consider:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s important to recognize and validate your emotions. It’s okay to feel hurt, confused, or angry.
- Set Boundaries: If you still have contact with your ex, set clear boundaries to protect yourself emotionally.
- Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or even a therapist who can help you process your experience and feelings.
- Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that make you feel good and help you relax. This could be anything from exercising to picking up a new hobby.
- Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissism can help you make sense of what happened and why. Knowledge is empowering!
- Take Your Time: Healing is a process, and it’s okay to take the time you need. Don’t rush into another relationship until you feel ready.
- Reflect and Learn: Think about what you want in future relationships and what you’ve learned from this experience.
Taking care of yourself and moving forward at your own pace is essential for personal growth and healing. This journey can be difficult and often takes time, so it’s crucial to practice self-compassion throughout the process. I often find myself facing struggles even now, which is completely normal.
It’s vital to equip yourself with the right resources—whether they be books, support groups, or therapy—to help you understand the challenges you are encountering. Acknowledging what you are dealing with is the first step toward overcoming it. Engaging in reflection and asking yourself what actions you can take to address these issues is imperative.
Remember, healing is not a linear process; it involves ups and downs, and being patient with yourself as you navigate through it is key. Every small step you take is progress, so celebrate those achievements along the way!
Other Resources:
DoctorRamani; Your #1 source of guidance about healing from narcissistic relationships.
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